Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Posted by unknown usr, a member of Brand New Aspiring Writers

I’ve ranted on a number of issues ranging from my holey underwear to bad music videos, but up until today I never ranted about writing.

I like to write. I like to write a lot. I can pretty much spend hours at a time cranking out the written word with little regard to what is happening around me. In fact, I’m pretty sure while I’m writing a giant flaming turd could be careening towards the Earth and I would barely notice, unless I was thirsty at the time and got up to get a drink.

The problem I have is real life. Real life tends to suck in a major, goat-dick blowing way. I really find myself at odd with real life on a regular basis. So here is my list of the top reasons real life screws with me so I can’t write.

1) My freakin’ job.

Don’t get me wrong. I like my freakin’ job. It pays me money. I get considerably less grief at my current job than I have in past positions. However, it eats into my writing time in a big way. It’s hard to be a brilliant author when you have to rebuild a crashed server that exploded all over the damned network because of an evil Lovecraftian backup program gone awry.

2) People who harass me, especially about money.

So here I am, writing happily and the stupid collection calls come. All of a sudden, my happy peaceful groove is blown by anxiety and grief. They can’t even say my name correctly. If you can’t say my name, you get no money. You must be looking for someone else. Go ride your call center phone to hell and get the $20.49 cents from the devil, because you have a far better chance collecting from him than from me at the moment. You don’t want to wait, you get nothing. So stop calling already and let me write! Assmoney.

3) Medication

I rediscovered why I hate antidepressants. Oh yeah, they work great for suppressing that urge to stay in bed forever, but they also kill the creative process. Once off the crap, all of a sudden I have the urge to write again and the ideas kept coming. So I have the choice of depression or creativity. I’ll risk the depression. We’ll leave the drugs for the Prozacbots that roam the planet looking for John Conner.

4) Not winning Megamillions

I make decent money, but I live in overinflated cost of living hell. Ok, I’m not that bad off, but I do have to watch every penny. And it sucks. I keep not winning the lottery. This is a problem. I need to win the freakin’ lottery already. Why do they keep picking the wrong stupid numbers? They know what numbers they have to pick for me to win. It’s all in the lottery computer. They mock me, openly and completely. I’m going to have to smack down the entire lottery commission.

5) Training

Being sore and tired is not conducive to being in the writing spirit. So I work out,
practice martial arts, and feel like I’ve been sleeping in the drier every night. Not only this, but being the only girl in a martial arts class that is not just for show, makes it a little harder to get through. The fact that I let my workouts slide over the fall and winter does not help now when I have to produce a bunch of pushups while holding my breath with an elephant on my back. Now, I had to beef up my workouts and still keep up with the rest of my life. My muscles ache and all I want to do is soak in a hot tub and watch TV or play…

6) …video games

I think Nintendo is planning world domination through subliminal messages they implant in the Wii, cause damn, I keep buying games for that thing and getting sucked in. Not only does it zap my time, but it adds to my soreness. I mean Wii boxing really puts a workout on your upper body. I don’t need any more soreness. Geez.

7) Windows Vista
It just sucks.

It likes to just randomly pause and interfere with the flow of my stream of consciousness. Screw you Microsoft.

8) Tax time
Screw the government.

They are wasting my time making me fill out tax returns. They got my money. They need me to tell them to give it back? Who wouldn’t want it back? Maybe they should just stop taking our money and shut up about it. That’s right; the IRS should just shut up and give me my money, biotch.

9) Peeing

Going to the bathroom takes way too much time out of my day. Even as I write this, I have to pee, but I don’t want to just stop and waste those minutes. Dammit, hold on…

(talk about stream of consciousness)

…Ok, that’s done. Anyway, waste of time.

10) Boogers

I just wanted to say “booger”. Plus they clog the nose, make it harder to breath. So they get to be on the list.


Igloo said...

I love "drawing not to scale" :)

Patent Box solicitor said...

These are so cute! Love the robot. They're all disturbingly close to what my three-year-old draws...